I am writing to you today to thank you for the extensive damage that you have wrought on Ike’s face. You probably thought nothing of the consequences when you decided to bite poor Ike on the left side of his face. Ever since you did it, I have not been able to stop thinking about it.
The bite seemed innocent enough at first. I dabbed it with anti-itch cream and headed home. By day two, Ike had multiple bumps on the entire left side of his face and the hair started falling out. By day four, most of the left side is now hairless and he has rubbed a few spots raw. None of the topicals we have applied have stopped the madness. I am now buying Zyrtec by the case (Ike needs 10 pills twice a day) in hopes of tempering the itching as the reaction subsides and heals.
Please note that if I ever find you or your offspring, there will be immediate consequences felt. There will be no trial. I will be judge and jury rolled into one maniacal package. Punishment will be death by shoe/boot/brush/broom/any other inanimate object within striking distance. I will feel no remorse for my actions.
I am not looking forward to the disapproving stares and snide comments by the DQs at this weekend’s show. I have started to work on Ike’s Phantom-of-the-Opera-style mask to hide the damage; I feel certain that the TD will accept it without question. I might add a cape for dramatic effect. The first person who asks, “Why did you let this happen?” will be pummeled with my piaffe whip.
You have fair warning Mr. Spider. You’d better pack your bags and find a new home.